Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
