My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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