OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
