drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
