from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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