She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
