I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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