I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
