So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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