im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
