if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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