I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
