Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
