Umm I'm too high to move.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
