he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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