You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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