I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
