She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Even my vagina gasped.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
