I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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