i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
