I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
