My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my shit smells like andre
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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