May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
