It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
