My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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