you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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