I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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