2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
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