If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
