My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
