I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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