this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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