There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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