you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
