Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
