i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
