No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
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i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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