He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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