dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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