my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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