His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
