hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
