the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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