a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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