and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
