i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
