That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
