You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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