i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Enjoy the penises
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
