Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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