just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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