were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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