I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
