i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
